


Better Than a Pony

by TheSaddleman



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/M, Fluff, Friendship, Humour, improvised storytelling, the meaning of names, whouffaldi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-08
Updated: 2018-02-08
Packaged: 2019-03-15 13:50:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,385
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13614681
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheSaddleman/pseuds/TheSaddleman
Summary: Clara knows the Doctor's face, so when she realizes he's moping, she asks him why. The answer ultimately involves a disrespected mountain, an ignored planet, and an alien bureaucrat called Steve.





	Better Than a Pony

The Doctor and Clara sat in the doorway to the TARDIS, staring out at the stars like they often did during those rare quiet moments they cherished, munching on cucumber sandwiches as their feet danged above the infinite void below them. 

(Or above them; the Doctor wasn’t too sure they hadn’t materialized upside-down, but, in space, no one can see the blood rush to your head. Either way, the ship’s oxygen bubble protected them from the elements and not for the first time the Doctor was thankful he came up with the idea as a way to impress Rose. Back in the day, such a stunt would end up with the occupants of the ship sucked into the void like bad old Ramón Salamander.)

Clara was about to take another bite of her sandwich when she noticed something sad pass across the Doctor’s face, almost like a shadow. “You’re moping. Did Missy do something again?”

“What?” the Doctor started. “No, not Missy. She’s still stuck on Skaro as far as I know. And she can stay there and hold tea parties in Davros’ revolting sewers for all I care. Nothing to do with that.” He crunched down on his food. “Good sandwich,” he said with his mouth full.

“Yeah, you make the best cucumber sandwiches in the universe, and you’re not bypassing the issue that easily. I know that face. It’s your mopey face. And your mopey face usually means I’m about to get another duty of care lecture. I’d rather just eat my sandwich in peace, thanks.”

The Doctor smiled. “No, Clara. No ‘duty of care’ lecture today. You’ve been good. I’ve been good. The universe has been good. And sometimes a cucumber sandwich is just a cucumber sandwich.”

“It is kinda boring, though, you have to admit. Not the food, just the sitting, doing nothing,” Clara said as she resumed munching on her sandwich. 

“We could go bug Vastra and Company. We haven’t seen them since that Silhouette business and you can get Jenny to give you a refresher on your lock-picking.”

Clara stopped mid-bite, chewed and swallowed what she had and replied, indignantly: “Now hang on a moment, Doctor. It’s not my fault that lock was rusty. I pick like a pro, you know that. How was I to know 18th-century locks could jam like that? It all worked out in the end. I got you out of there long before you had your date with Madame Guillotine.”

“It worked out because you found a team of horses to yank the barred window out of the prison wall! It wasn’t supposed to work, by the way. _Mythbusters_ said so.”

“Are you complaining?”

“No, I’m not, I’m just …” the Doctor started to laugh. “My impossible girl. You keep doing impossible things. And you always amaze me.”

Clara smiled up at him. “I have to earn my pay, after all.”

“But I don’t pay you.”

“You pay me with nights under exotic alien stars. Action. Adventure. Cucumber sandwiches. And always being there for me, no matter what.” 

The Doctor wasn’t too sure how to reply to that. He just bit into his sandwich and nodded. 

“So, Doctor, still moping?”

“Nah, it passed.”

“What were you moping about, anyway? Still sad about how _Game of Thrones_ ended?”

“Unnecessary Mountain.”

Clara had to admit that, even given that she all but shared her life with a man for whom every day was literally an adventure, hearing those two words together was not something she expected when she woke up that morning.

“Uh, Doctor, I think the TARDIS’ translation circuits might be on the blink again. Are we doing to start swearing at each other again, because if we are, I picked up a few new phrases from Courtney I’ve been wanting to try out…”

“It’s a mountain. On Earth, near Vancouver. It’s called Unnecessary Mountain.” 

“OK, so there’s a mountain near Vancouver that’s got a rather odd name. Why mope about it?”

The Doctor shrugged, then continued as if he was stating a fact that Clara was well aware of (although she was not). “Mountains _are_ alive, after all, Clara. They just process the world around them over a much longer time frame than carbon-based life forms. A year for us is the briefest instant for them. Even for Time Lords, they are impossible to communicate with. Yet they’re there, sitting sentinel over Earth and all who inhabit her. And then some pudding brain goes and deems one ‘unnecessary.’ The lack of respect just … saddens me.” 

Clara found herself putting her arm around his shoulder. He seemed so sad about it.

“Doctor, remember, to that person, it’s just a piece of rock. Something to climb or ski down. Humans don’t know they’re alive. It’s certainly news to me and last I looked I’m still a human. For now, anyway.”

“But what an awful name for such a grand creature. I have wandered this universe for millennia and I’ve never found a creature I’ve deemed unnecessary. Except for Mr. Persona Non Grata, of course.”

Clara tutted. “Some day, Doctor, you’re going to have to make up with Derren. He didn’t mean to get you banned from the Magic Circle.”

“I’d rather mope about a mountain, thanks.”

Clara laughed. “OK, Mr. Mope. If you feel so strongly about it, why don’t you get the mountain renamed? Maybe there’s a politician they can name it after instead.”

The Doctor looked as if she’d just suggested he kiss an Abzorbaloff. “Clara! That’s even worse!”

“Yeah, realized it as the air was leaving my lungs,” she said. “Forget I said it.”

“I just think … people need to be more respectful when naming things. Names give a sense of place, a sense of purpose…”

“Says the man who keeps his real name a secret.”

“How is that any different than Unnecessary Mountain’s real name? In my case, yes, my real name is a secret that I only tell a very few people…”

“…and have written in a book in your library.”

“Uh, yes, well … that was just dumb luck you found it last week.”

“It was on a pedestal. With lights pointing at it.”

“Yes, well…”

“And there was a bookmark. With my name on it.”

The Doctor looked down. “Wanted to make sure you found it again.”

“Again? I’d never seen it before.”

“Never mind. Long story. Point is I have another name, the Doctor, and that name means I try to save people. River once claimed the very concept of ‘doctor’ came from me, though I have my doubts about that. My name means something. I chose my name, too.”

“I didn’t choose _my_ name.”

“Neither did Unnecessary Mountain. At least, if you don’t like yours, you can go change it any time you want.”

“You’ve clearly never dealt with bureaucracy. I like Clara. It’s Oswald I don’t like.”

“What’s wrong with Oswald? OK, there was that guy in Dallas with the improbable aiming skills. And, yeah, that child murderer Torchwood hooked up with a few years back. And, OK, Oswald Cobblepot was a piece of work, too. But there are many nice Oswalds out there. What about Oswald the Lucky Rabbit?” 

Clara laughed. “The only reason I know that name is because I memorized _Trivial Pursuit_ answers when I was a kid. Wasn’t that the cartoon character Disney created before Mickey?”

“Yeah. I might have influenced that a little bit. Told Walt that a rascally cartoon rabbit could never work in the movies. Suggested a mouse instead.”

“Of course you did. So, did it bug him later? Bug … get it?” She elbowed him in the ribs gently.

The Doctor groaned, and not because of the elbowing.

“Anyway, daft old Doctor-of-Mine,” Clara continued. “I have an idea. If you’re going to mope about humanity disrespecting a big old pile of rock…”

“…a big old pile of _living_ rock, Clara.”

“…OK, a big old pile of _living_ rock … then let’s go pay it…”

“…her…”

“… _her_ a visit.”

Suddenly, the Doctor beamed and planted a quick kiss on Clara’s forehead and got up to race to the console. “Excellent idea! I’ll set the co-ordinates. You finish up your lunch.”

***

“OK, now this one _is actually_ a mountain,” Clara said as she stepped out of the TARDIS and looked down onto the wide expanse of trees and mountain peaks that filled the view from Unnecessary Mountain.

The Doctor stepped out of the ship with a chagrined look on his face. “How was I to know there’s a foothill in Alberta with the same name? The TARDIS got confused.”

“So no moping about there being two sentient rock creatures with a disrespectful name, then?” Clara cocked her eyebrow at that.

“Foothills are called foothills for a reason. If someone decided to give your big toe a nickname, would you care?”

“Sometimes, Doctor, I’m not sure half the time that you’re not _pulling_ my big toe.”

Ignoring the remark, the Doctor squeezed her shoulder gently and pointed to an unusual-looking two-pronged rock formation visible in the distance. “They call those The Lions. See, now _that_ is a cool name. Not like Unnecessary Mountain. Look around you—this is a perfectly fine, serviceable mountain. Good for hiking. Nothing unnecessary about it. Hello, mountain!” He waited for a reply, heard nothing but a bird replying in the distance, “Shut up, I’m trying to sleep!” (the Doctor speaks bird, of course), and shrugged.

Clara pulled out her mobile and began panning it around. The Doctor quickly ducked down to avoid getting caught in the panorama and the TARDIS thoughtfully cloaked herself briefly so as not to spoil the view. “Thank you!” Clara called out.

“Don’t mention it,” the Doctor said.

“I was talking to the TARDIS.” The ship reappeared and blinked her light once in acknowledgement.

“You know, Clara, some day I’m going to have to figure out how you two managed to bury the hatchet and get on so well. I even saw you two having a chat the other day. What were you talking about?”

“Never you mind,” Clara said, mysteriously. After confirming that the captured image met her satisfaction (and clicking off a sneaky shot of the Doctor kneeling, just because), she pocketed her mobile and walked back to the Doctor, who was now out of his crouch and dusting himself off. She gave him a hug. “I agree, by the way. This is a very, very necessary mountain. Do you want to know why it’s … she’s … necessary?”

“Enlighten me,” the Doctor said, hugging her back for a moment before she released him. She walked a few feet away and spread her arms out, feeling the breeze pass between her fingers. 

“It reminds me that, despite all the worlds you’ve taken me to, and all the wonders I’ve seen … my home measures up quite well. Don’t you think?”

The Doctor smiled and joined her, taking a deep breath of mountain air. “Even before I met you, this world was always my favourite.”

“Because of unnecessary mountains?”

“Because of necessary humans.”

Clara looked up to see the Doctor looking intently at her, the vista surrounding them all but ignored.

“Necessary Doctor,” she said.

“Necessary Clara,” he replied.

They held each other’s gaze for a moment, before Clara gently broke the spell. “Feel better? About this mountain and its silly name?”

“I still think they should change it, but what’s in a name, anyway, eh?”

“Names can be important. Doctor means teacher and healer in Latin, right?”

“And Clara means bright and clear.”

“It does?”

“It does,” the Doctor said. “Never change it.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it. But what about our friend, Unnecessary Mountain?”

“I’ve been thinking about that, and I figured out a way to make things right. I mean, technically we’re the only ones who’ll care—U.M. here has other things to worry about like plate tectonics—but I think fair is fair. I got the idea when we made our accidental detour one province over.”

“What idea?”

The Doctor tapped his nose conspiratorially with a finger.

Clara gave the Doctor an odd look. “You trying not to sneeze, or something?”

The Doctor grimaced. “I was tapping my nose conspiratorially.”

“Who does that anymore? Seriously?” 

Sighing, the Doctor have Clara a less-ambiguous “OK, follow me if you’re going to be like that” gesture as he led her back into the TARDIS.

***

An hour later, the TARDIS was orbiting a brilliant red planet orbiting a pale blue star.

Clara was sitting in the TARDIS doorway again, her legs dangling into space once more. No sandwich this time.

“Pretty planet,” she said. “We going down and take a look?”

“Not much to see, just fire. Much more interesting from above,” the Doctor called over from the console. “After all, that’s how it’s seen by the twenty other planets that circle this star, all inhabited.”

“Twenty? That’s a bit crowded.”

“A few of them are co-orbital. But yeah, the gas cloud that produced this one was pretty prolific. The thing is, not one of those twenty worlds has ever bothered to actually give this one particular planet a name.”

Clara gave the Doctor a dubious look. “Kind of an odd thing to forget to do. Our lot were naming stars before we had that fire thing worked out.”

“I wish you’d kept Orb; it rolls off the tongue better than Sol. Anyway, the people in this system are wise, they are powerful, and they’re also kind of full of themselves. This world has always been uninhabitable, and because it’s so close to its star—it’s the innermost world of this system, by the way—it’s unsuitable for mining or visiting for mini-breaks. They basically decided it wasn’t worth naming.”

Clara looked down at the fiery world below her feet. “And…”

The Doctor knelt by her. “There are twenty-one planets in this system, one of which is considered to have no value at all. Except, oddly, for generations of children living on the other twenty worlds who, due to an orbital fluke, are able to watch this planet flash across the night sky at night, just after sunset. The flash symbolizes that all is well with the universe and that it’s safe for them to go to sleep. And they named the flash, at least. Based upon the clues that have been set out for you, I’ll let you guess what they named the flash.”

“Mmm… uhhhh…. The Flash, maybe?”

“Twenty points for Gryffindor,” he winked.

“Slytherin. But what if it’s cloudy?”

“Nothing gets by you, Teach. That was an issue for a long time. Cloudy nights came to be known as Sleepless Nights until technology advanced far enough so the flash could be broadcast live from cameras orbiting each planet so no one misses it if it rains.”

“Lot of effort for a planet with no name.”

“Gets better. As you so astutely pointed out, twenty-one planets circling a star that’s half the size of Earth’s sun makes for a crowded party. But, if not for this one planet’s gravitational pull, every single one of those worlds would have long ago slid into the star. The last would have been destroyed about ten years ago, and some ten billion inhabitants would have been lost, if they even existed in the first place.” The Doctor got up and headed back to the console.

“Wow, so, repeating, not bad for a planet with no name.”

The Doctor smiled at Clara again and walked over to the console and picked up the old-fashioned telephone receiver and pointed at it. “You didn’t ask me who I phoned while we were en route.”

“Actually, I did ask, but you ignored me.”

“I didn’t,” the Doctor grumped back.

“Did.”

“Didn’t.”

“Didn’t.”

“Did. OK, I admit it. Anyway, the head of human resources for the system-wide government owes me a favour. Something to do with smoothing things over regarding a Dalek, a Slitheen, and an angry bartender. Anyway, I phoned him about five years ago. He agreed to take my proposal to the system council and …” he called up an image on the TARDIS monitor. “Voila!”

Clara looked askance back at the Doctor from her perch in the doorway. “What proposal?”

He looked annoyed. “When I said _Voila!_ that was me saying get up from there and come to the monitor. C’mon!”

“Oh!” Clara got up and headed over. The screen was filled with what looked like a news website. The headline just looked like a bunch of random symbols for a moment until the TARDIS’s translation circuits overrode Clara’s brain and understandable words popped into view:

_**Welcome, Unnecessary Planet** _

She couldn’t help it. She had to laugh. “You got them to name the planet Unnecessary? How did you manage to do that?”

“Basically by telling them what I just told you about it. There’s one other thing about the inhabitants of this system that they’re renowned for, and that is their appreciation of irony. I just pointed out to them a bit of irony on a grand scale. And they loved it.”

Clara picked up the phone receiver and handed it to the Doctor with a smile.

“Why are you giving me the phone, Clara?”

“So you can call your friend and thank them. I never see you say thanks.”

The Doctor chuckled. “Yes, boss.” A few moments later, he spoke into the phone: “Hello, Steve … No, I gave you a chance to let me use a shorter version of your name, and I said it was choice between that and Steve. So, you’re Steve to me. Anyway, my friend and I wanted to thank you for making the naming thing happen … I’m glad it’s given you all a good laugh. Did you do that other thing I asked you to do for me? Excellent! I know it’s not as ironic, but I think it’s better than just using ‘It’ all the time, no? It’s not as if you were going to name it anything else. Anyway, all my best to the family, you’re a pal. Bye-bye!”

He replaced the receiver and walked over to the doors to take a closer look at Unnecessary Planet and its star for himself.

Clara followed him. “What was that last bit about?”

“Well ... when we were back at the mountain ... I got the feeling I forgot your birthday.”

“Which one? Been a few.”

“Pick one. Anyway, I wanted to do something special for you.”

Clara playfully clapped her hands together. “I always wanted a pony. Even better, my own TARDIS!”

The Doctor stared back at her. “Why would you want your own TARDIS? Don’t like sharing this one with me?”

“I was just joking, Doctor.” 

The Doctor smiled and put his arm around Clara’s shoulders. “I know. And anyway, there’s always Christmas for that. No, I want to tell you about a star. A star that was so ubiquitous that the billions of people who inhabit the twenty worlds that orbit it never bothered to give it a proper name. Nicknames, sure, but most people just refer to the star as It. Which is a shame because this star is destined to be one of the longest-surviving stars in the universe. I won’t bore you with the science, but when most of the stars have gone out, and even after its twenty-one worlds eventually succumb to tidal forces, this one will still be a beacon in the sky, vital for navigation for the final inhabitants of the universe. It will become one of the most necessary stars in the sky.”

Clara looked out at the star glowing in the distance, the TARDIS’ air bubble providing a filter so that she could gaze directly at it. “Kind of sad, but also really cool at the same time. So, this star will be around …”

“…effectively forever. And once the paperwork is finalized, because with stars it takes a little longer than naming a planet, this star will be named Clara.”

Clara pushed away from the Doctor in surprise. “No!” She began to grin.

“Why not? A star named Clara, destined to glow forever. Bright and clear.”

Clara put her arms around the Doctor’s neck, pulled him down slightly, and kissed him on the cheek. “Best present ever,” she said.

“Better than a pony?”

“Much better than a pony.”

**Author's Note:**

> Takes place not long before my story "Clara's Dream" but the two are stand alone tales.
> 
> Unnecessary Mountain is a real place in B.C., as is Unnecessary Mountain in Alberta. 
> 
> The idea of Clara and the Doctor enjoying sandwiches while sitting in the TARDIS doorway, watching the universe goes by, comes from one of Titan Comics' back-up comic strips that had them doing this.
> 
> Silhouette refers to the events of the 2014 Twelfth Doctor/Paternoster Gang novel of the same title.
> 
> The bit about the TARDIS translation circuits malfunctioning is a callback to one of my earlier stories, "I Swear."
> 
> The veiled reference to Derren Brown plays off a deleted scene from Face the Raven in which Clara tells Rigsy that there's bad blood between the magician and the Doctor. 
> 
> Clara read the book with the Doctor's name in it in Journey to the Centre of the TARDIS, but lost the knowledge when the timeline was reset, though the Doctor appears to have retained the memory of what happened, so I play with that here.
> 
> "Orb" was the name given to the sun by the cave-dwellers in "An Unearthly Child".
> 
> Ramon Salamander is, of course, the villain in "The Enemy of the World".
> 
> The recent discovery of multiple possibly earth-like worlds around the small star TRAPPIST-1 inspired the star system featured here.


End file.
